VO: Some of the nation's favorite celebrities... Why have I got such expensive tastes?

VO: ..one antiques expert each... Oh!

(LAUGHS) Size isn't everything.

VO: ..and one big challenge - who can seek out and buy the best antiques at the very best prices...

Answers on a postcard.

Oh!

VO: ..and auction for a big profit further down the road?

Is it making you go 'ooh' though?

VO: Who will spot the good investments?

Who will listen to advice?

Do you like it?

No, I think it's horrible.

VO: And who will be the first to say "Don't you know who I am?!"

Well done, us.

VO: Time to put your pedal to the metal - this is Celebrity Antiques Road Trip!

VO: Yeah!

VO: The luscious countryside of Cheshire is where today's race for antique riches begins.

Packing £400 each, and with an opinion on absolutely everything, are cultural heavyweights interior designer Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen and art critic Waldemar Januszczak.

WALDEMAR (WJ): I had two poached eggs... LAURENCE (LLB): Did you?

They were absolutely delicious.

That is a good idea.

WJ: I love a poached egg.

LLB: Yeah, yeah.

Laurence, I like your suit.

Thank you very much.

I have dressed differently so that people can tell us apart.

We are basically the same person in two bodies.

We are.

And we both have still got our hair.

I know, isn't that amazing?

Isn't that fantastic.

All over our lovely bodies.

VO: Well, I don't know about that, but what does have a lovely body is the bodacious British beauty they are purring along in, a Jaguar XJS.

Rarr!

LLB: How are you at this shopping for antiques thing?

Well I love antiques.

But my trouble is all the ones that I love cost quarter of a million pounds.

Yeah, that is not going to work today.

No.

VO: This pair met in 1984 when Laurence was an art student and Waldemar was a critic with the Guardian.

His feisty opinions are the reason he has lasted so long as an art critic in the national press and on TV writing, presenting and making films about art and culture for over 30 years.

WJ: I saw you on "Changing Rooms", you just go for things that are purple.

Yup.

Or have fur in them.

LLB: Never confuse antiques with good taste.

WJ: No, no, no.

# Oh, baby... # VO: Laurence flounced foppishly onto our tellies in the mid 90s, launching his TV career presenting shows on all types of lifestyle, from homes to holidays.

WJ: Why do antique types, why do they wear beige?

Do you know what beige means?

No?

It means underbelly.

It does.

The beige of an animal.

In French, le beige.

There is no top to your bottoms there.

Exactly.

VO: Antique types and beige, whatever can you mean?

VO: Oh chaps.

Can I drive?

Oh, go on, Charlie.

Are these the wipers?

# When it is raining.

# Come on get a move on.

No, forwards!

Sorry.

VO: This 1952 series 1 Landrover is pre-seatbelt era which is why the boys aren't wearing any.

It is painted in military surplus cockpit paint, tally ho!

CHARLIE: # The sun is out.

BOTH: # The sky is blue.

# There is not a cloud to spoil the view.

# VO: The voice of an angel belongs to Charlie Ross.

He sings, he acts and in his spare time he is a world-renowned auctioneer.

And he is a hit with the ladies.

Sealed with a kiss.

No!

No!

No!

It hit me.

Camouflage...

Covering me with trees!

VO: This jolly whipper snapper is a passionate historian with an eye for detail, it's Charles Hanson.

Sorry Charlie.

Sorry!

That's not funny.

Sorry.

VO: Where is the respect eh?

CHARLIE: We're meeting Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, he will have the Christmas suits.

Not as smart as you and I.

He will be a lot smarter than you.

I don't believe that.

You made something of an effort today.

We are also meeting Waldemar.

Wunderbar.

Not wunderbar.

# What a glorious night for love.

# VO: It's Waldemar, boys.

Waldemar.

VO: Our foray into fortune starts in Cheshire, a county known for cheese, salt and silk.

We dip in and out of Staffordshire, home of potteries ending back in Cheshire at auction at the market town of Macclesfield.

First stop is the old Anglo Saxon town of Sandbach.

CHARLES: I almost feel it's like warfare, isn't it?

It is.

(THEY WHISTLE GREAT ESCAPE THEME) Look, a jaguar!

It's them!

Come on, come on, come on.

(BEEPING) LLB: Someone's beeping us.

Stop!

It looks like It Ain't Half Hot Mum.

CHARLES: Hi, there.

LLB: Who are you?

How come we've got a car and you've got a tractor?

I've got something to break to you.

We got on so well in the car, we had a really good time.

You look so similar.

We thought we'd break the rules and Laurence and I would go off on our own and you two guys, since you're such brilliant antique dealers, you'd go off on your own.

(ALL TALK AT ONCE) We'd see whether antique dealers or cultural figures win.

Yes.

Shall we take the 4x4?

VO: I say, this is most unprecedented.

CHARLIE: You'll love it.

VO: They think they've got what it takes to beat the experts!

It could be a battle of epic proportions, this.

(BEEPING) VO: Charles and Charlie are auction supremos, they live and breathe antiques and have a combined experience of almost 70 years, versus Laurence and Waldemar, heavy hitters in the world of contemporary culture who create and critique art and design for a living.

LLB: What are the tips for this kind of thing?

What sort of sales does it go into?

We have got to go for impact, mouthwatering flamboyance.

Yeah, you are good at that.

VO: This fight for fortune could go either way but right now they are all going the same way, together.

Yeah, third Laurence!

Oh not first Laurence!

There is going to be no gearbox left on this.

No.

Oh!

You are in first, I am sure.

VO: Each team has £400 to spend and the first shop on the wacky race for riches is 'Hidden Treasures'.

There we go boys.

I am so traumatized.

Well, I suppose you two want to go ahead, do a bit of shopping.

Charles wait.

We will see you in there OK.

Yes, you do that.

I don't think they have got a clue.

I am quite daunted because you know what?

I think they have so much in the tank in terms of up here as well.

That is not going to help commercially is it?

It worries me.

They are in there, let's go in here.

Come on.

VO: Will our celebrities' love of antiques and eye for art and design be enough to beat our experts?

We shall see.

So how are we going to do this?

I mean, you are obviously the guy with the experience, the interior designs.

Yup.

And the no taste, so we could follow me over a cliff, or we could stick with you and your keen eye for quality and... My trouble is I will choose all the expensive things.

LLB: Actually, but that is our secret weapon.

Pay a lot?

No, you find an expensive thing but make sure it's cheap.

VO: A cunning plan.

You know, we have got to like something I think.

OK.

But then also appreciate the fact that actually probably that's, you know, worth a million quid.

VO: Really?

But also.... You go over there and I will go over here and if we see anything we like just shout.

But also don't forget, big and eye catching.

Big... Big... and eye catching.

And eye catching.

VO: Looks like Laurence is wearing the trousers in this pairing.

Literally.

Next door, our experts are also planning a strategy.

CHARLES: I think the secret is just to be nimble and just race around... oops sorry.

Sorry about that.

What would impress Laurence?

Do you want to impress them or buy things that will make money?

I want to buy for our markets and also impress them because they want to see quality items.

CHARLIE: They want to see how it's done.

Exactly.

They want to see the big boys in action.

VO: Well then big boys, less chat more action, because our kings of culture have already got their eye on something.

Laurence... Yeah?

That's mad.

That's you.

A proud cockerel.

It is probably murano or something.

That is going to stand out anywhere isn't it?

I think that if you had that in the middle of the table, a few bon bons in the middle, truffles or something, you know, in the modern world, that is just a beautiful thing.

I think that's an eye catcher.

VO: Murano glass is a famous product of the Venetian island of Murano.

The colorful cockerel is right up their street but they're browsing on.

Never knowingly understated, Laurence has spotted another statement piece shouting at him from the corner.

LLB: There is someone here with a very fine sense of taste.

Who would have thought of covering a Victorian chaise lounge in Astro turf?

VO: The famous faux fur fanatic just can't help himself.

LLB: It is weird, it's Victorian, nicely turned.

There are a few things that I have felt that are quite as horrible as that.

Quintessentially horrible as that.

That is horrible, it's so you it's untrue.

Working on the LLB principle, the Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen principle, that you have got to stand out in the auction room, with something major, something significant, that has got it.

You reckon?

VO: It will stand out but will it sell?

LLB: The only problem, it is quite pricey if you notice.

WJ: £99!

If we got it for 20 quid, I think we might be on for a winner.

LLB: It will be a crowd pleaser.

WJ: Yes.

VO: The chaps are going for the wow factor with objects that will stand out in the auction room but fit into the contemporary living room of a Cheshire home.

But our experts won't rest until they find some real antiques.

Cor, it's absolutely wonderful.

VO: Ah ha!

I said WON'T rest.

Charlie, take a seat.

Oh it has got some... Take a seat.

VO: Not to worry, these boys are still hard at work.

Charles has picked up a stereoscopic viewer with photographs.

CHARLIE: You've got the two images melting into one, through the two... have a look.

The key is what the cards are.

Look, look, look, listen, you're an historian, listen to this.

Go on, hit me with it.

The first train of refugees out of Kimberley after the siege.

Diamond mines of Kimberley.

Look at this!

The river guarded and preserved by the British, 1900.

Winston Churchill fought here.

Yeah.

These are live pictures at the time.

Copyright 1900 by Underwood and Underwood.

These are fabulous Charles.

You have done well to find these.

VO: Underwood and Underwood were once the largest publishers of stereoviews in the world.

Founded by two brothers in 1881.

The lads know from experience that these viewers and cards are highly collectable items.

However, there's no ticket price attached, so it's time to find Richard to talk money.

CHARLES: We're just in a really serious competition... We love them.

..for the antiques trade literally against these two very cultural arty people.

What's the very best?

I will let you have it today for £40.

And 40's your very best?

Hold on, hold on, sit down there Charles, just sit down there.

If I pull out £30 and put it in to your pocket, would you take it?

CHARLES: I just Charlie... You don't want to go with £30 do you, in which case, it makes up the mind.

There's two of us, aren't there?

Yeah.

..on this great road trip.

We want to... You can't expect to buy this for £20, for goodness sake.

We are in it to win.

Don't forget that, bean.

We are going to leave it, thanks ever so much.

Come on, let's go.

CHARLIE: Off you go.

CHARLES: Go on then.

CHARLIE: Bye Charles.

CHARLES: After you.

No go on, I am just going to have a quiet word with Richard.

OK. OK.

Thanks Richard.

VO: I think Charlie is pulling rank.

I'm the senior member of this team, and... OK, I'm leaving.

I'm going to put it on my head and I'm going to give you £30, thank you very much indeed.

Are you happy with that?

Thank you, yes, very much.

Come on, let's go.

OK. VO: Unbeknown to Mr Hanson, his partner has just bagged them their first auction oddity, £30 for the stereoscopic viewer and photographs.

How are the other pair faring?

LLB: Oh, you know what this is?

Gramophone.

But look at the detailing round that speaker.

You know, that's bronze.

Beautiful bit of art deco.

Just as a cabinet, you have all these special little places for records and goodness knows what and actually, people could use it at home.

You could put a flat screen TV in there.

If you're living the retro life, if you were...

But they don't, do they?

They do.

Come on grandpa, get with the program.

I just think it's really pretty.

If we could get that for 50... No, no for 20.

30.

20.

Why don't we do some kind of deal for the chaise longue, the cock...

If we take the chaise lounge, what... we've got to think about how much that will cost.

I don't think... 20 quid, 20 quid.

And the cock, 20 quid.

Alright.

This, 20 quid.

Can I just have a look up here?

20 quid, everything's 20 quid.

VO: Cor, they'll have to drive a hard bargain to get all three items down to £20.

Richard is asking £35 for the glass cockerel.

There's a £99 ticket on the chaise and the gramophone cabinet is priced at £85.

Good luck chaps.

For the first thing I would like to propose to you, and I know you're going to say yes, you know that awful green chaise lounge you have got covered in Astro turf at the back there?

£15?

I would need 30 for that.

Cash.

Cash for 15.

I will tell you what, oh dammit, 20 then?

Look at his puppy eyes.

I will sell it for 20 then.

20, 20, OK. VO: Well, I never.

OK, oh... All breakages must be paid for.

VO: That'll be an extra fiver.

Second thing we're going to talk about.

Second thing we're going to talk about is this... Crazy, useless piece of... We're prepared to give you 15 quid for this.

Charles.

VO: Nearby, the experts are furtively lurking.

Or you can give us money to take it away.

Absolutely.

We have got a van.

If you can make that 20 I will sell you that as well.

18?

I am not going to argue for £2.

18?

18.

That is fantastic Richard, thank you.

They bought something.

Handshake, they bought something.

VO: And finally, the murano glass cockerel.

It's ugly and nobody else wants it.

It's ugly and no one else wants it, they've fallen into the trap.

OK, 10 go on then, 10.

They should not Charlie, have decided to let us go.

LLB: 25?

RICHARD: Go on then.

Richard, you are a gentleman and I'm not surprised at all that this shop is so wonderful.

VO: Whether their strategy of style over substance prevails at auction remains to be seen.

But their ruthless bartering alone could clinch it.

They've bought a murano glass cockerel, a Chinese lacquered cabinet, and a furry green chaise, all for £63.

But can they match up to our experts, who are still in search of a little slice of history?

CHARLES: Charlie, it's never ending.

Look, French... That's nice.

..19th century bedside pot cupboard.

Yup.

With a vein marbled top.

Quarter veneered front.

Cabriole leg.

That's got some age, hasn't it?

Oak lined.

1890.

It's a good thing.

Keeps your chamber pot nice and cool.

CHARLED: What would you pay for this?

If I could buy it for £35, I would take it away.

Do you know what Charlie?

If I could buy it for £35, I wouldn't walk away, I'll take it all day.

I really rate this.

That is what I mean, I would walk away with it.

We are in agreement.

VO: Richard, have a word with these two will you?

The pot cupboard has a ticket price of £85 but how low could Richard go?

40.

Oh no.

Charlie, do you know what?

For the first time, I'm going to say to you...make the decision.

What do you mean for the first time?

You've always wanted me to make the decision.

Richard, I am going to leave you with Hanson and I'll either see him walk out of the door holding a pot cupboard or he won't be.

And I'll be 100% behind you whatever decision you make.

VO: Crafty old devil.

What's a young man with cash in his hand to do?

It's just a lovely piece of furniture Richard, it really is.

It's charming.

Have £40.

Thank you Richard, thank you so much.

There is 10... VO: With another deal done, Charles is leaving by the back door.

But in the cold light of day, there's a surprise in store.

This is the item...oh gosh.

There's some woodworm.

It 's got woodworm!

Look!

I didn't see that!

Oh no.

There's some woodworm over here.

He's going to go mad with me.

VO: Lordy, what a proper Charlie, Charlie.

Time to confess.

CHARLES: Now Charlie, I just felt we needed to buy something.

It's got woodworm.

CHARLES: I know, it's got woodworm.

It has got woodworm.

You idiot.

It wasn't my fault.

What do you mean, it wasn't my fault?

You said buy it.

I didn't say buy it, I said I'm walking away, you can make the decision.

I'm going to make this day worse for you now Hanson.

You bought woodworm, I bought a stereoscopic viewer... ..with slides for £30.

You haven't?

You haven't!

You haven't?

I have.

With your woodworm and my stereoscopic viewer, we are going to lose this competition.

VO: They couldn't agree on prices but they remain friends having spent £75 of their £400 budget on a fabulous stereoscopic viewer with cards, but really, a woodworm-infested cupboard?

This battle is too important to lose.

Bye.

Bye young man.

Bye.

WJ: You know those people that painted their room purple because of you, has any of that survived?

Do they all... the moment you are gone, they get rid of it all?

I don't know.

I think there was one that actually did survive pretty unchanged.

One out of 300?

It's a good ratio.

It's better than me, out of all the things I have given bad reviews to, my ratio is about 500-1 that I might be right.

VO: Laurence and Waldemar are traveling about 22 miles southeast to Longton in Staffordshire.

Staffordshire is home to famous porcelain manufacturers such as Wedgwood, Spode, Minton and Dalton.

In pottery, they were the Hirsts and Emins of their time.

But there is an unsung hero of the area - with an eye for design, these two can't fail to be impressed by a piece of ingenious engineering that was produced here by the thousand.

(FLUSHING) VO: The lavatory.

The chaps are visiting Gladstone pottery museum, where Nerys Williams is ready to lift the lid on the role Staffordshire pottery has played in its production.

JW: Hello.

NERYS: Hello, welcome to Gladstone.

I'm Batman, he's Robin.

I had to physically persuade him not to wear his pants outside his tights.

I'm pleased.

LLB: Wonderful.

NERYS: Let's have a look.

VO: Gladstone pottery museum near Stoke is preserved as the last complete pottery factory in the UL and houses a unique exhibition that will help the chaps get to the bottom of the history of the loo.

WJ: Why does Stoke need a museum of toilets?

Well Stoke didn't just make cups and saucers and bowls and pretty china.

It also made an awful lot of sanitary ware, so it's famous for making toilets and exporting them all over the world.

So Stoke was the toilet capital of Europe?

Absolutely.

And they keep it quiet... You wouldn't do that, would you, you would blow your own trumpet with that.

VO: The first flushing water closet recorded in history over 2,800 years ago was in the palace of Knossos in Crete.

It was 1596 before the first flushing lavatory in the UK was invented for Queen Elizabeth I by her Godson, John Harrington.

I like the fact that this, you know, this is a throne isn't it?

And the fact that you ascend on this lovely little step.

So is it... this was Elizabeth I herself had this toilet is it?

Or... Not this particular one, a similar one.

And these would have been available to probably royalty because inventors wanted to show off to the queen and get royal warrants for things but it wasn't something that affected the general populous.

It was something that rich people had.

So it's something that we take for granted these days that did have a huge impact on society and the toilet as an invention is a pretty great one.

Let's hear it for the toilet.

Thumbs up.

Where would we be without it?

Shall we move on?

Shall we... sorry.

VO: The flushing lavatory went through a few hundred years of development before it became popular.

One industrious plumber who tested and patented major improvements in its advancement was Thomas Crapper.

NERYS: This is a Thomas Crapper toilet and cistern.

I have heard of Crapper.

So, he is the guy that the toilet was named after isn't he?

No.

A lot of people think that Thomas Crapper invented the toilet and it was named after him, but it was already a slang term.

LLB: Really?

In the English language.

He was just a really really good marketeer.

His advertising was the best, and people began to associate his name with the toilet.

WJ: What are the chances of someone being called Crapper who ends up as the king of the toilet?

Look how many names there are for a toilet, right - how many can you think of, crapper, toilet, loo, privvy... VO: Call it what you like, we all use them and as they became commonplace in every home, design became paramount.

No fashionable water closet would be seen without flower festoons.

Laurence would have been in his element.

WJ: These are beautiful, actually, aren't they?

The funny thing is that the shape doesn't really change that much, does it, I mean, it still retains that basic engineering.

WJ: They are beautiful.

Look, this is a Rapidus.

The Rapidus.

I like that.

NERYS: They've got fantastic names.

Ricardia, I love it.

In fact, if I ever have another child, I think I am going to call it Ricardia, after that particularly beautiful loo.

VO: The famous artist El Greco said "Art is everywhere you look for it".

Even in the loo, it seems.

And Staffordshire proudly takes its place at the heart of the production of the simple yet revolutionary invention.

The brothers in beige are marching on Nantwich, which is around 10 miles southwest.

CHARLES: I'm very nervous.

It is a very serious competition this, you know.

You're with your old mate, you don't need to be nervous.

Exactly, you are my mate.

Is that what's making you nervous?

No, you're my mate.

Come on Charlie, we've got to not surrender.

I have no intention of surrendering.

Not surrender... Do I look like a surrenderer?

No.

VO: No.

The troops are rallied, and ready for the next foray into antiques territory, AKA Dagfields, a huge antiques center, spread through seven massive old aircraft hangars.

Ah.

Make or break now for us, OK?

I know.

VO: It's time for the men to hit the deck running.

Why don't you go up there and I'll go over here?

And I will see you in 20 minutes and you can tell me what you've found.

VO: In a flash, Charlie has found something that's caught his fancy.

CHARLIE: There's a tapestry there which is not a 17th-century Belgian tapestry but it's not bad, and it's got age.

It's certainly first part of the 20th century, and it's got typically northern European feel to it.

But it's got no price on it.

VO: In the 17th century, Belgium was the center of European tapestry production.

There are still some original Flemish tapestries in existence, worth hundreds of thousands of pounds.

Charlie has summoned Charles, for his considered opinion.

CHARLIE: Smell the polish.

CHARLES: You feel that it's like stumpwork isn't it, from the 17th century.

Yeah, yeah.

And Wolfman, he loves the 17th century.

Yeah.

Vindergold.

Wondergold.

Wunderbar.

Wunderbar.

VO: Waldemar!

CHARLES: Waldemar will go wild for that, because he loves the 17th century.

CHARLIE: There's a chap falconing there.

On the left we have got somebody killing a boar.

Oh, that's great.

Well... Oh, I like that.

VO: Oh, so far, so good.

Importantly, the colors haven't faded have they?

No, they haven't.

Go and tell me how old it is?

Yeah, OK. Out of 10.

I like it.

Put it there.

I like it.

It's got age.

VO: They like it.

But can they agree on how much to spend?

Charlie, it's a good find.

You know what, you and I we work so well together don't we?

Yeah.

We would love it for £100.

Yeah.

VO: The dealer's asking 250 for it, so Charlie's asked next door's shop owner, Anne-Marie, to get him on the phone.

Is he ready to give a discount?

Glynn, how are you?

We have a pot of cash, and I would happily from my pot put in £60, my mate Charlie would also put in... £60.

£60, which would make 120.

Could I say going, going, gone?

Going, going, gone.

Oh, it's gone!

Fabulous.

Thanks, Glynn, so much.

VO: At last they deal together, but even with the hefty discount they've put a considerable amount of their budget into that one item.

Risky business.

# Hi-ho, hi-ho... # VO: I wonder who's Happy and who's Dopey.

I think it will go in sideways, won't it?

No it won't go in sideways.

What you want to do is put the front over the top no, no, no, no no, through here.

Through here.

Under the...

There we go.

How's that?

CHARLES: Perfect.

VO: What a day it's been, with their vintage wheels weighed down by bountiful bootie, it is time to say good night.

Nighty night.

VO: It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's another opportunity to shop till you drop.

WJ: I've seen that Hanson, Charlie Hanson on the telly, he buys big noisy things, right?

Does he?

And the other one is noisy but seems to buy more sensitively.

Yeah.

What are they going to go for?

Well, they are going to go, they're going to go for ghastly good taste.

CHARLES: They're really confident.

Do you know Charlie, I think Laurence will cater for that interior decorator, designer, Del Boy tastes.

70s.

CHARLIE: Del Boy!

VO: Charles is right, with all their art and design pedigree, they opted for flashy retro, buying a lurid green chaise, a Murano cockerel and the gramophone cabinet, but they only spent £63.

They have £337 to go wild with today.

Find an expensive thing, but make sure it's cheap.

VO: In their quest for the real antique, our specialists have bagged a Victorian stereoscope and slides, a chamber pot cupboard, and a tapestry.

This little lot cost them £190.

They still have £210 to splurge.

Oh, gosh.

There's some woodworm.

CHARLES: Let's go out, Charlie, in the second half, let's really sweat hard.

Let's sweat, let's get sweaty.

I'm with you there, Hanson.

I'm with you there, man.

We are fueled up by history.

Yeah.

And friendship.

And friendship.

Love, romance, drama, and I've got you.

CHARLIE: You have.

CHARLES: I've got you.

You've got me.

VO: The treasure seekers are on their way to Congleton in the southeast corner of Cheshire.

It's a pretty little market town and as the celebrities are fashionably late, the experts are flexing their antique muscles, some more than others, eh Charlie?

CHARLIE: Morning chaps.

We're just limbering up.

CHARLES: We're feeling light and springy today.

LLB: I feel completely confident in our abilities, yes.

You've even got the same shoes on.

Yes.

We're together.

Hold on, hold on, let me look at your socks.

What a day!

Oh, no!

Come on.

Let's go shopping.

Go upstairs.

Lift.

VO: The experts have broken rank.

They've £210 burning a hole in their pockets, so it's once more into the fray.

If those guys want a battle, Charlie... Who is this?

Bar-rum.

Who's that?

Bar-da-da-da-dah.

Laurence Llewelyn Bowen.

And I am, hold on, I'm Waldemar.

We don't want those, we want antiques.

Come on.

Concentrate.

VO: Our Charlies have their eyes on the prize, and if this little beauty was the real deal, they would've been in the money.

This is Vivaldi, the Four Seasons.

(PLAYS BADLY) VO: Stop!

My ears!

He's quite scary.

He's a dark character.

Honestly, it gives me a shiver.

Don't, don't shiver.

You stick with me.

I know, it's like the villain isn't it?

The first violin when I was about 18, I looked in, it had a label inside saying Stradivarius.

CHARLES: No?

CHARLIE: It did.

I went all the way to London, took it to Sotheby's.

He said "you wouldn't believe how many people stick Stradivarius labels in the back of violins".

Good way to learn.

Oh, fantastic.

I know.

VO: Charlie knows this battered old fiddle is no Stradivarius so the chaps are browsing on.

VO: Upstairs Waldemar has his eye on an old mincer.

WJ: When my mother...she used to make sausages with these.

At the Polish camp where I grew up this was the, you know, must-have kitchen appliance.

LLB: So, how long were you in a camp for?

Five years.

I couldn't speak any English till I was six.

It was a converted airfield, so Nissen huts, totally Polish environment, and just loads and loads of post-war Polish families.

I know at least 40 Polish songs.

My estimation of you has gone up by about that much now.

Now I know that.

VO: What does it take to impress Mr Llewellyn Bowen?

That would certainly get a reaction.

(TINKLING MUSIC) WJ: I think that's got an exciting thing to it.

It's a cot, right, but I'm not sure how it works.

But isn't that beautiful?

Well, it's sort of... No, no, it's that way up and it's Gothic revival.

Lovely ogee...

It's terrific.

This ogee is beautiful.

Isn't that lovely?

It looks like it's the original rattan.

VO: I'm impressed.

They've spotted their first antique.

It's a Victorian cot, but it's missing its rocker, so it's no use as a cot any more.

But it's actually a very decorative object.

Beautiful.

You could keep logs in it, couldn't you, or something like that?

VO: Laurence has already got designs on how to sell it.

LLB: I think we should put some plants in it.

Just imagine this, there's a big interior spread in Cheshire Life, this is in a Cheshire mansion next to the inglenook, full of abundant orchidage and a tundra of beige carpet.

That's exactly how we sell that.

No, that's, that's how you would've done it yesterday.

Yeah.

Today you'd do it the way I would display this at home, which is in a very spare niche.

VO: There's a creative storm brewing.

And then you could appreciate the beauty of its lines, and I would treat it as a piece of sculpture, because to me that's a piece of Georgian minimalism.

VO: Victorian, actually.

This is where an expert comes in handy.

Julia, the able shop assistant is asking £50 for it, but the boys have a shameless offer of their own.

Quelle surprise!

WJ: I was going to offer you £25.

Gosh.

Bear in mind for that kind of money I'm more than happy to be photographed all over your lovely antiques center.

VO: That's not an incentive, it's a threat.

Deal.

VO: Hah, lo and behold it's worked.

Thank you so much.

You are a woman of impeccable... grace and standing.

VO: Oh, Julia, what have you done?

Look at your lovely toes.

VO: That's another piece of booty bagged, a Victorian cot for £25.

Well, they can spot a real antique, but would the experts have gone for it without a stand?

Look!

VO: Meanwhile, the Charlies have plucked out another violin that they're fretting over.

Look here.

Antonius Stradivarius.

I found a Stradivarius.

VO: Another one?

Charles, if you were going to buy a violin, that's the one I would buy.

VO: Thousands of violins were made in the Stradivarius style and labelled as such in tribute to the maker, but all 650 of the original Stradivarius instruments that still exist today have been accounted for.

It's on the market to the tune of £48 and the owner, Geoff's just in time to talk cash.

What would be the best price on your violin and bow in the case?

I think that's quite a good price.

I like your style.

He was speaking with a northern accent there, I think you've... you've met your match.

You've met your match here, sir.

Yes, I have.

I have.

Shall we think about it?

CHARLIE: I'm thinking about it hard.

VO: Even though it's not a Stradivarius, well made violins are very sought after, but it seems these two can't agree on a price.

Again.

(WHISPERS) If I said to you 35... CHARLIE: Charles?

If I said to you £35, would you take it?

Hold your hand out.

Yes, Charlie.

VO: Charles has landed more than loot for the boot, but will Charlie be happy with the price?

£35.

I'm really happy with it.

VO: Whew!

Crisis averted.

But there's still precious plunder to procure, so time to get a move on.

VO: Laurence and Waldemar are always looking for ways to indulge their creative side.

Who's a pretty boy, then?

WJ: So you.

Let me have a look.

Now, you see, I really fancy myself now.

Somebody has to.

These things go for a fortune.

It's all hand done.

WJ: It's very pretty.

VO: Vintage compact cases can be very collectable.

This one has a ticket price of £28.

The boys want it for £10, but Julia's not going to be a pushover.

Let me just get the violin.

If we could buy that, if we could.

No, come on.

We would be... No it's not just us that'd be grateful.

He doesn't even bring a proper sized violin.

LLB: Well, well you know.

WJ: Size isn't everything.

15, the deal.

15.

I...

I think we'll have to walk away from that, Laurence, but we're not going to discard it, we're going to walk away from it.

JULIA: OK. Leave it there and then it'll grow on you.

Can I just say one thing, Julia?

My heart is broken.

Yeah.

It's not often you see him like that.

Look at this dejection.

OK, Laurence, shall we do the 15?

Oh, yeah.

VO: Julia stuck to her guns, while our creatives plumbed new depths to secure another tasty trinket.

So, it's time they took off.

How good is that?

It's very good.

CHARLES: Come on, Charlie.

VO: The boffins are still treasure seeking and they've spotted a chair to rival the green chaise, and theirs is retaining all its historic charm.

But only a few of its legs.

CHARLIE: This is the most has-been... CHARLES: Worn out... CHARLIE: Wonderful, wonderful chair of its period.

We are looking at Regency, come William IV.

The most wonderful bergere back and seat... VO: Less seat, more kindling unfortunately.

It's a fabulous chair.

Do you love it?

Yeah.

Have I found another thing that you like?

Yeah.

Yeah.

VO: So captivated is Charles by the chair that he's off to find Paul, the owner, to strike a deal.

Charlie's right, it's a wonderful chair.

You can imagine back in 1815, following the Battle of Waterloo, the gentleman in his country retreat would have sat on this chair celebrating Wellington's victory.

And that's history, but it's tired, like Charlie and me.

VO: The ticket price on the chair was £24.

19.

I'll just... 19, is it?

Right.

VO: Charlie's back with a deal.

CHARLIE: How much?

CHARLES: I am hoping you've paid probably about £30.

19.

VO: With their little piece of history, their trunk is now teeming with treasures.

They've splurged £244 of their £400 budget and are ready for auction.

BOTH: Over the moon.

Over the moon, Charlie.

Over the moon.

Over and out.

LLB: Tell me, did you do art?

I was a cartoonist.

Yeah, I started off, I did cartooning for the New Manchester Review, in Manchester when I was at university And after a few weeks of it the editor said, "you know what, these are really crap".

So they got me writing some art reviews and that was that really.

You know, I've never looked back.

Because like you, I mean you seem... A lot of people think you're stuck in the 70s right.

LLB: Which 70s?

There are several to choose from, 1770s... WJ: No.

Very much the 1970s.

Do you reckon?

With my art training... You can see beyond that?

And I can see that in the 18th century there were plenty of people around who liked purple, who liked fur, who would have leopard skin prints.

You know, you haven't invented anything, have you?

VO: There's nothing new under the sun.

The cultural trail blazers and are historic heroes are all moving around 25 miles southeast, to Cheadle.

Not to be mistaken with Cheadle in greater Manchester, you see there's no such thing as originality.

CHARLIE: We're here.

VO: Charles and Charlie are passionate about history and tradition, and they've arrived in Cheadle, to visit the work of a gentleman whose influence on architecture can be seen in some of Britain's most historic buildings.

Where are we?

CHARLIE: Pugin land.

CHARLES: Pugin land.

VO: Augustus Welby Pugin was an architect, designer, writer and theorist.

His most famous works include the Palace of Westminster and nearby Alton Castle.

The Charlies are hooking up with Hannah Barter, to find out why north Staffordshire is known as Pugin land.

Hello.

Come in.

Welcome, I am Hannah.

Charles Hanson and Charlie Ross.

Hello.

Charlie Ross.

HANNAH: Welcome.

Come with me.

VO: Pugin pioneered the Gothic revival style, which was based on patterns used in the Middle Ages.

In architecture the style can be typically recognized by pointed arches and steep sloping roofs, as well as elaborately painted furnishings, all of which can be seen in what is said to be his best work - St Giles's Church, here in Cheadle.

CHARLES: Being a Derbyshire man, I never knew about this in Cheadle.

And Pugin clearly had his, his work spread across this area.

Cheadle, and within around eight miles of the town, we have a concentration of no less than 14 buildings of Pugin's, ranging from fantastic Staffordshire privies, write the way to Pugin's gem, St Giles.

VO: Unusually for an architect, Pugin was as passionate about the interior design of his buildings as the exteriors, as he attempted to create entire schemes of Gothic design.

Pugin's gem, St Giles's Church, is considered to be the culmination of all his experience.

CHARLES: Oh my goodness me.

Oh, isn't it just a jewel?

CHARLIE: This is quite extraordinary.

VO: Commissioned by his good friend the 16th Earl of Shrewsbury, who he previously designed parts of Alton Tower and Castle for, he was given a blank check to indulge himself.

CHARLIE: Is all this decoration original?

HANNAH: Absolutely.

It's a fantastic representation of all of his life's work.

The intensity of all the color and pattern and that fantastic Gothic style.

CHARLES: Can I say one thing, it almost looks like a wallpaper.

I am really itching to go and touch a pillar.

Go.

I think it is a tile, I think they're Minton tiles.

That's painted on, isn't it?

Yes painted on.

It is.

Directly.

Pugin was about the experience and you have to touch the surfaces to know whether it's tiled, whether it's directly painted onto the stone or whether it's actually onto plaster.

It has drama, doesn't it?

CHARLIE: Drama is the word.

HANNAH: Exciting and passionate.

CHARLES: It is passionate.

CHARLIE: He was a perfectionist.

Absolutely.

VO: Pugin was fascinated with theater and decorated his churches in a way so as to present mass to the congregation as a spectacle.

CHARLIE: Gated screen.

HANNAH: This is the decoration that sets the stage... Like a theater?

Absolutely.

Just like a theater.

And if you come on through.

CHARLES: Golly.

CHARLES: Oh, I feel like I'm in heaven.

It's great.

It is just...

Such an experience, and notice... You... You told me it was five years to build.

It could've taken 50 years to build.

HANNAH: There's two little hidden secrets to Pugin's gem.

The first is in the large stained-glass window here.

In one of the leaves where you see the monks, just below his chin is a piece of clear glass and that was designed to allow natural light to come onto the table for the altar, to give the impression of having a holy light.

And the second is just behind us and the choir and the organ were installed here behind this beautiful screen, had the brilliance of the acoustics in the space but you would sit in the congregation as part of the theater, hear the voices of heaven and see the light of God.

CHARLES: It's magical, isn't it?

I am almost, Charlie, I think we are not normally, are we, lost for words.

But...

I am.

This is one of the most exciting buildings I've ever been in.

It really is.

HANNAH: It's breathtaking.

CHARLES: I can't get over it, actually.

It's quite something, isn't it?

And I can say as a man who sadly doesn't go to church every week, if I lived here I think I would.

VO: After that vision of English architectural heritage, the boys are en route once more to the big show and tell.

Secrets will be divulged and treasures exposed.

CHARLIE: Ah.

Oh, what is going on here?

Are there any spare glasses?

WJ: No, no, no, no.

We have here a clash between culture, and antiques types.

Yes we do.

We have a clash between the future and the past.

Yes.

Show us what you've got.

Just enjoy it, Charlie.

Can I actually honestly say...

Pleasure yourselves.

Go for it.

Honestly say that I absolutely love the bit of crushed velvet.

Look at that.

This is Carolean.

That's not, that's John Lewish.

The one word that springs to my mind when I look at that - carvery.

How much did you pay for it?

£120.

CHARLES: Roll back the years.

Yes, OK, go on.

You're a man with a good patination.

What date is that chair?

CHARLIE: That is a chair, that's a really good chair.

Shall I tell you one of the things I look for in a chair?

Yes.

Four legs.

VO: And they say they're the future.

Hah!

CHARLES: Rollback to Trafalgar.

This is a chair of that period.

Just imagine the Duke of Wellington sitting reading...

The thing is, if the Duke of Wellington sat in that he would have a very sore bottom.

He'd be on the floor!

CHARLIE: Shall we move on?

Cause one of the things I love beyond anything is your pot cupboard.

Yes.

VO: Oh, not all bad then.

A pot cupboard.

You don't need a pair.

Why not, Charles?

Surely it's friendly to give... No, no, it's anything but friendly to have two pot cupboards.

I think giving Mrs Ross the option of having a widdle in the middle of the night is quite nice.

She doesn't need it.

Doesn't she?

That's French, right?

I reckon you paid 60 quid for that.

No.

No.

No.

It cost us £40.

Yes.

Yes, £40.

And a really interesting... Label inside.

Ooh, that's nice.

Ooh.

40 slides.

No, I like these, I like these.

How much?

I like these.

Yeah?

You like these?

I do like those, yeah.

LLB: Right, shall we show you some glory?

This is a lifestyle collection that defines the concept of tough love evolution.

Basically get on board or stop existing.

OK?

And there's nothing brown about what we're taking to town.

Ta da!

VO: The creatives have branded everything, hoping anything touched by Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen will be worth more at auction and they've accessorized the chaise too.

WJ: Drink it in.

This is ghastly, guys, this is absolutely...

It's sensational, Charles!

I've never seen anything so horrible.

Charles, guess how much we paid for that.

Hold on, guys...

I can't believe you paid anything for it.

Just one question - the actual carcass is old, isn't it?

Yes, it's Victorian.

It's got nice, nice legs.

It had nice legs and then somebody painted them.

That's alright.

20 quid.

£20?

£20.

ALL: £20.

VO: £25 when you include the cushion.

CHARLES: I must admit to you also, guys, I did look at that and I was quite taken by that.

LLB: So Diana Dors, you know, it's got the original little Bakelite light there.

I mean, yes, none of the working parts are working, or indeed exist.

It is just loved to death.

The reason I like it is because of the chinoiserie.

It's fanciful, it's fun.

You know, you have bought one real antique, haven't you?

Yeah, we have.

Which of course is this.

Which is this.

It probably has a stand.

Somewhere, but we don't need a stand because it's for orchids.

Orchids?

Its function has changed.

It's now a thing of beauty on its own.

Good luck to you.

Well done, Laurence.

Good luck to you.

Good luck.

VO: Wowsers!

Plenty of food for thought.

So, now you've gathered yours, I'll give you a penny for them, teams.

Charles, you look deflated.

I've got to be honest with you, I think they've bought some really stunning, some exceptionally vivid retro objects.

I think they've done very well.

I now feel really guilty, because neither of us worked with them, it meant that there was no pzazz.

But the chair.

I know that you're meant to restore things, but I mean that's... WJ: As for the tapestry.

CHARLES: There's one object I think might make us become unstuck.

I didn't like that term the carvery - wallhanging.

Yeah.

And that could be our nemesis.

Roll on tomorrow.

Come on Llewellyn-Bowen, come on Waldemar, take on the two antique experts.

Who are you?

Who were you?

VO: In an unprecedented break from the norm, our celebrities decided to take on the experts, but who will win out?

Time to take this cultural clash to auction.

So, keep your eyes on the road, your hands upon the wheel, as they go around 24 miles north to Macclesfield.

CHARLES: I think Laurence will take defeat really badly.

CHARLIE: He'll weep.

CHARLES: He will weep, he will cry.

But Waldemar will take it on the chin.

He'll say "well done, chaps".

Yes he will.

WJ: Did you wake up feeling confident?

It's down to the showbiz now.

They'll probably write about that in the antiques trade gazette.

Almost certainly... Men of culture beat antique types.

And they'll spell culture with a K...

Spell culture with a K, they will, they will.

CHARLES: Ah, there's a moth on me.

There's a moth.

There's a moth.

A moth.

A meuth?

A meuth?

It's gone, it's gone, it's gone.

VO: Our experts won't go down without a fight and where better for it than Adam Partridge auctioneers and valuers?

A relative youngster as auction houses go, but already making a name for themselves.

How are you?

Very well, very well.

We're really confident, we're really confident.

I'm even more confident than I was yesterday.

Have you bumped your head?

Come on.

Come and have a look at the saleroom.

VO: Today's gavel slammer with his hand round the hammer is Adam Partridge.

That's Adam, not Alan.

I have never seen anything like the green chaise longue.

It's not actually Astroturf, I think that would have had a better chance.

The crib is a nice thing, the crib is a proper antique.

And I would like to see that make £80 or more.

They've really lucked out buying a violin.

We do a special musical instrument sale, and it's this morning.

So there could be a profit there!

When I saw the Regency chair I said to my colleagues I wouldn't mind a saleroom full of these.

In good condition that chair is worth six or 800 quid.

VO: The antiquarian supremos splurged £244 to amass five lots for auction.

The creatives, Touched by LLB range, also consists of five lots, costing them £108 in total.

Come on grandpa, get with the, get with the program.

VO: There's only one way to settle this argument and with all profits going to Children In Need, it's time to auction!

This is the clash of the titans.

This is the ultimate in decor against the ultimate in antiques.

Are you nervous, Laurence?

Don't do nervous.

VO: Up first is the Charlies' Victorian stereoscopic viewer, they'll be hoping to see a profit with this historic beauty.

This is a banker I think.

A banker.

£40?

20 I have, 20, five, 30, five, 40, five, your bid.

at 45 front row, 45.

Are you all done?

50 online, five in the room, at 55, 60 online, in the room now and selling the hammers up, 65, all done?

The hammer is up and 65 to sell.

Thank you.

£65 for that?

VO: Well done boys.

Round one to the experts.

# Double your money and try to get rich.

# Really?

We are off and running.

VO: But our showbiz pair are about to make a statement with their chaise.

Up next!

Do you know what?

I'm feeling strangely confident now.

I'm feeling...

Certainly strange.

Anybody £30, the chaise longue?

Right.

A present for someone you don't like.

(LAUGHTER) 20 is online, 20's bid on the Internet.

At £20, five, 25.

There we are.

At 25, 30 online.

At £30, at 30.

Anyone else, the chaise longue?

Anyone in the room with the benefit of seeing it in all its glory?

That's giving it away.

Giving it away.

Very good price, boys.

VO: Not exactly the statement they were hoping for.

It's an antique of the future.

No accounting for taste.

VO: You said it.

Put it there old chum.

VO: Charles and Charlie's 19th-century French pot cupboard is next.

Usually make 100 quid, don't they, or 120.

Start me £40?

For it, £40?

£20 online, five, 30, five, 35, any more now?

40's online, at £40.

Where will you find one cheaper?

We're selling at £40.

No!

VO: It's broken even, even with the woodworm.

C'est la vie.

Laurence and Waldemar's gramophone cabinet is up next, They'll be hoping to make a noise in the crowd with this item.

Start me £20 for this?

£20?

20?

Any advance on £20?

That's expensive, isn't it?

At £20, we're selling online.

Oh dear.

288... Dear me.

VO: The branding isn't having the desired effect.

There's been a collapse of taste today.

VO: Will the Charlies' little slice of history get the crowd out of their seats?

It's the Regency chair.

Sorry the leg just fell off.

It's alright, it has got four.

Now, who says you need four legs on a chair?

VO: You did, actually.

We have the leg.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

There's the leg there.

£20 the chair, £20?

Come on, chaps.

Have a go.

Ten?

Oh.

15.

There you go, sir.

Rescued by the man in black again.

The leg's worth 50.

Have you banged your head?

At £15.

In pink, at £18.

Yes!

18.

No!

At 18, we sell at 18.

It cost 19.

There you go.

Oh.

Shame.

VO: The chair was just too far gone for this crowd, but the experts are still ahead.

The creatives want to maximize the impact of their next lot.

I want to make sure they've got the...

Yes, we must make sure... ..Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen sign is on it.

Do you know where the, the glass cock is?

Have you seen a... a big glass cock by any chance?

Somewhere.

Sorry, it's over there?

OK. Could you, could you take it to the front and when you take it to the front could you make sure that that is visible on the front?

Oh, are you sure sir?

It'll lower the value of the lot.

That was very rude, wasn't it?

VO: Frankly it requires no further introduction.

ADAM: £10?

LLB: Well.

At £10, at 10.

At 20.

Have another one, sir.

25 in the room.

At £25 in the room, at 25.

Oh, for goodness sake!

30, in a new place.

Oh, no.

A gentleman with such taste!

£35, at 35 online, 40 in the middle.

At £40.

Come on.

Well done.

VO: Profit at last for the colorful cockerel, ooh, and Waldemar.

I salute you.

Well done.

Superb performance.

Well done.

We've doubled our...

Shake on it.

VO: Will the Charlies be able to string along the crowd with their wannabe Stradivarius?

You're getting nervous, aren't you?

Twitching.

I'm not surprised.

CHARLES: The violin could make £100.

It could, but it won't.

It's a Stradivarius labelled violin.

Lot 86A.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm bid £20, I'll take five.

30 and five, and 40 and five, and 50 and five, your bid.

Keep going, baby.

£55 in the middle.

£55, any advance on the violin?

Come on.

A bit more, a bit more.

At £55.

Thank you, sir.

2342.

VO: Not millions, but another profit keeps the experts in the lead.

But the celebrities' antique is next.

Will the cradle rock the crowd?

I can see this blowing the game away for us.

ADAM: Where's the rest of it?

It should have a rocking base surely.

What date is it, sir?

What date?

Ooh, it's a Victorian one by the look of it, isn't it?

Well, I thought it was Georgian.

No, it's mid 19th century.

Anyway.

VO: He's the expert.

20?

Thank you sir.

20 is bid.

It's alright, the first one.

In the corner, at £20.

I'll take five now.

At £20.

Just get rid of it.

It's beautiful.

Yes, it's very nice.

It's £20.

We're selling at 20.

Any advance on £20?

No.

2300, thank you.

Disappointing, that was cheap.

VO: That really was cheap.

It's not going well for the celebrities.

Charlie's pricey tapestry is next, but they're having their doubts.

Charlie, this could be our downfall.

I've never seen a man with less faith.

CHARLES: Well, thank you, guys.

Lift it a bit higher.

(LAUGHTER) Lower!

Lower!

What do you bid me for that?

Very big, decorative tapestry, £30?

£20, the tapestry?

£20?

It's 15 online, we're selling it.

20 on the front row.

Well done, sir.

At £20, 25 online.

ALL: No!

At £30, the tapestry.

Take us out, put us out of our misery.

Well done, sir.

VO: What a disaster!

That loss wipes out all their previous profits.

We've been well and truly trounced.

I think we tried...

Listen, that fat lady hasn't sung yet and we've got our powder compact.

VO: It's all academic now though.

The vintage lipstick is the final lot, as worn by Laurence, but don't let that put you off.

Where do you want to be, £20?

15's online, at 15.

£20.

Lady's bid at 20.

I'll take five, online, 25.

28 sir, thank you, sir.

It's £28.

I'll take 30's online.

At £30.

Thank you.

Beautiful.

Well done, guys.

Well done.

Give me a high five, Laurence.

Give me a high five.

I don't do that, I've got people to do that for me.

VO: Although it pains me to say it, the celebrities have won, but only just.

Had the experts not been stitched up by the tapestry, it would have been a wholly different story.

Pleasure to be thrashed.

Well played.

Yes, I've heard that about you.

(LAUGH) VO: The teams each had £400.

The experts made a heroic effort, and after auction costs took a loss of £73.44, leaving them with £326.56.

Waldemar and Laurence's hard bargaining leaves them, after costs, with a profit of £6.80, so they finish with a budget of £406.80.

CHARLES: We really salute you two, because you came and you conquered, and I mean that sincerely.

Don't we?

Yeah, yeah, we do.

Well, what happened was that we came into your world, we thought we'd take it by storm.

We should have taken it by storm, but in the end, you know, victory doesn't feel that great, does it?

Victory, but at what cost?

Yeah.

It's been a lovely time.

Has been a lovely time.

CHARLIE: I'll drive.

CHARLES: You drive.

VO: The culture clash endeth.

Time to retreat to familiar surroundings.

LLB: Get me to the Ritz.

Soon.

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